Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Destiny of an Innocence

She is growing up. Looks quite old now. Totally human. Unlike six months ago when her movements were restricted to blinking and random, clumsy hand- and feet-throwing and crying. Now she can crawl, smile, giggle, play, throw tantrums, all of which make her so cute and lively and bouncy and innocent and loveable.

Pari at 11 monthsHowever, as I clicked a few photographs of her yesterday, copied them on to my computer, and revisited them (like the one here), I felt apprehended. For the first time has a child scared me with her photo, and such a pretty child at that. She looks very human now. Very soon, she would be able to understand language, speak, and then think and understand and feel. And then emotions would start cropping up. Doom! There you go!

She would have option to choose. She will start discriminating between people. She would begin loving, caring, and would demand more of the same from others. She would start 'wanting'. She would expect from people. She'd feel bad. She'd feel good. She'd start enoying material things. She would begin a lot of things we do, and...

I am not exaggerating at all when I say I felt a shudder down my spine when I saw her photographs. Why do we have to have feelings? Can this child not be spared from the evils of the world and her innocence be preserved in its original form?

Sunday, December 23, 2007


Sometimes you think you are smart. You have wrong notions about yourself, and there is no one to correct you. You live your entire life with those wrong notions and die with them.

Sometimes you think you are lonely. You know you are, and you desperately try to get rid of either the loneliness or at least the thought. You find someone and the loneliness evaporates. Or you find some engagement and the thought vanishes. But sooner or later, that someone goes away. Or they find some engagement. Or your engagement finishes off. You are back to being lonely again.

Sometimes you go to bed early. You generally do not. Often you don't even try. Keep up and waste time. You vow everyday you'll sleep before midnight or do something worthwhile, but you somehow never manage that.

Sometimes you try not to think. Generally you keep pondering and meditating and musing and reflecting and mulling over and ruminating and contemplating. Often you don't even try not to think. Your thoughts keep fluttering randomly. Keep disturbing you. You daydream or get depressed or plan or fret.

Sometimes you love someone. You know they do not, but you do. Unrequited is the word. But that knowledge doesn't stop you from loving them even if you know there is no future.

Sometimes someone does that to you. You reciprocate back. But you still do not hold your feelings back for the old one.

Sometimes you watch movies. You generally do not. But you always want to. And sometimes you find company. And you watch them. Then they go to sleep. You stay up. Chat with a close pal. Start thinking. And then you compose this "off the split-ends of your long hair" post.

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