Ashes' Rashez

When I analyze the above graph that depicts the number of posts on my blog per month, retrospect on my state of mind, and read my previous posts, it gives, to some extent, an indication of my stress level over the past 21 months. There have been many months when I posted quite frequently, and when I look back, I find that I was stressed, frustrated, or depressed. That I was real busy and not low was only for the months of Feb and April 08. Blogging came as a real help for most of the other times. Writing gives me the kicks and acts as an anti-depressant. Related viral activities like Googling or Wikiing when required also helped keep the devil away from an empty mind.

Q4, 2008 saw me getting inclined towards reviewing movies, which was useful in killing up a huge chunk of my free time in more ways than one. Watch movies, explore IMDB and wiki etc, write reviews, find out more related movies, download them, watch them and review them again, thereby creating a circle I was very happy with. People started liking my reviews and I started getting requests for more reviews, making new friends in the process. Rambling Mutterings was proving to be a friend in need, indeed.

The onset of 2009 saw me giving lesser time for this friend I visited every few hours, and then one fine day, I abruptly didn't feel the need. No time for getting stressed/depressed. Rambling Mutterings did not complain but its readers did. Despite getting multiple reminders from many of you in the forms of comments, emails, and IMs, I didn't keep the friend whose existence depends on me. I had so many plans (ideas to write about) for it but nothing materialized.

There is a beautiful reason called 'rashez' behind the neglect, and I am not at all sorry. It’s a month and a half that I met her for the first time. I still remember the way she turned, bouncing her hair back, when I called from within my car waiting for her at MG Road. She was a bit lost initially but then grew comfortable by the end of our first date and things have never been the same since then.

Not only are our names similar and our birthdays concur, but our behaviour, likes-dislikes, and tastes match to quite an extent. We even share the same fooding habits; we have exactly similar favorites, though I need to develop in her a taste for Italian food, and teach her using chopsticks. I enjoy spending time with her, teasing her, irritating her, and then going back appeasing her. We love and quarrel, and keep pulling each other’s leg, I over her अशुद्ध हिन्दी, and she over my lots of other things.

Our story is more like an express, things clicked and everything happened so fast, we have already become the closest of friends. We have shared so much, gotten so close, that we often feel we’ve known each other for ages. I know she is The One. The One I can spend the rest of my life happily. I only wish I had met her earlier.

Anyway, I am not going to forget this good friend and would be loyal to it. Shall visit regularly and though I cannot promise, I shall try to write one post a week. Or lets start with three a month.

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Cognitive Dissonance

To be or not to be, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
...

The Shakespearean Prince Hamlet in his soliloquy above talks about his indecisiveness. There are conflicting views among the literary intelligentsia on which one is the to be option and which is the not to be. I feel facing the highs and lows of life seems the more difficult to be option, and the braver option of taking up arms and fighting against and dying is the not to be. Hamlet continues in his monologue and observes that death is not an absolute annihilation and end of problems, you might still dream and God knows what you'll dream about and what dilemmas you might face therein. So the decision-making might never end.

Thoughts flutter. They make you fall in situations you need to make a decision. You have both the choices equally viable, both of them seem right, you have a tough time deciding which way to choose. You have a fight within yourself. You try to logically eliminate one of the options available, but you always have the fear of thoughts quivering and you regretting on The Road Not Taken at a later point in life.

There is another kind of situation you tend to fall in, which is more difficult than to-be-or-not-to-be. That is one after you have made a decision. Thoughts still flutter. You've made a decision but are unable to stick to it. It is not necessarily between the good and the bad, the two options available may be equally right or equally wrong. Correctness is anyway a relative concept. You choose one from the two roads equally travelled, and since there is no one less traveled by, there is nothing that has made all the difference. But two things cannot be the same, and you end up struggling with yourself.

Or, you know you've made a wrong move, but you tend to find excuses to yourself trying to justify your decision. Thoughts flutter again and you have a battle within yourself. Usually it is a tussle between the heart and the head. Invariably the heart wins, and the head ends up helping the heart win by providing excuses to you. A case of induced compliance without sufficient justification. The cognizance of your acts being against your own (and that of others') wellbeing makes you fall to abysmal depths and think very low of you. The moment you try to get up and stand against, something comes up that forces you to give in yet again. The more you give in, the more troubled you feel, the deeper you fall, and more difficult it becomes to emerge from the recesses of depression and self-criticism, and the more prone you become to giving in. A vicious circle follows, the exit from which is visible to you but you are not strong enough to follow the path. All this could have been avoided had you nipped it in the bud. Had you not let the uncomfortable feeling of dissonance come in the first place.

...

...

...

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Tu Hi To Meri Dost Hai

Listened to this number on FM a few days ago, and before I knew it was from Yuvraaj, written by Gulzar and composed and sung (in part) by A R Rehman, I was humming it all the time. I simply can't get it off my head. Everytime I listen to it, I find myself in a different world.

Gulzar is superb, much better than Akhtar, who disappointed me with his kale-neele-peele songs in Rock On. Plus the refrain by Rehman. You have to listen to it to feel it. One more reason this track is particularly intriguing is because it talks about a 'dost' rather than the hundreds of synonyms for a beloved. There are a lot of songs on dosti but not often do you listen to 'meri' dost.

I could probably put it as my most favourite song of 2008. A very close contender would be Teri Ore from Singh is King, which, though quite soothing to the ears, lacks in the emotional content in this one.

There were a few more ear-friendly songs this year, not listed in any particular order:

• Teri Ore (Singh Is King)
• Bakhuda Tumhi Ho (Kismat Konnection)
• Khuda Jaane (Bachan Ae Haseeno)
• Kabhi Kabhi Aditi (Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na)
• Zara Zara Touch Me (Race)
• Chaar Dino Ka Pyaar (Jannat)
• Pichhle Saat Dino Mein (Rock On)
• Pehli Nazar Mein (Race)

What do you think? Do you feel this is the best song of the year or am I getting too emotional?

Aaja main hawaon mein bitha ke le chaloon/ Tu hi to/ Tu hi to meri dost hai...

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Miss You, Love You, Thank You

Missing you so much, which I always do
But on this day, the whole world is you
Though it is difficult, I wish you were here
But whenever I need you, I know you'll be there.

Brother, sister, girlfriend, you've been so much
Loving, caring, understanding, encouraging and such
Covering up my shortcomings, you had so much to endure
Yet never complaining, you had a love so pure.

Ever by my side, in sunshine or in rain
With that sweet smile, you ease away all pain
A baby at times, a mother at others
You come to help me when I am in smothers.

You're the best friend I could have ever had,
The cutest companion who makes me so glad.
We share everything, and more than often we fight
But all is resolved when you kiss me good night.

You can feel my voice, you know when I lied,
You can read my face, you know when I cried,
You can sense my feelings, from a land so distant:
Whenever I think of you, you ping me that very instant.

Even when you were here, even when we're miles apart,
You shall forever remain firmly in my heart.
I shall love you always, eternity and through,
On this auspicious day, let me thank you my Baebu.

Love at first sight

Scene 1: The meeting.
Location: Mekhri Circle, from CV Raman Road towards Jayamahal road.

"Excuse me, how do I go to Cunningham Road?", was how she began from within her helmet, her pearly whites forming a magnificent smile, and her beautiful, azure eyes were gleaming with innocence.

"It's 4.8 km from here; you'll have to go straight, and keep following the curves till you reach an underpass on the right after which you'll have to take a compulsory left, and then you'll reach the Cantt station; the road then forks into two, take the right one, at the end you'll find a 'T' where you take a right, and a right at the next signal (approximately 1.1 km) would lead you to Cunningham Road.", blurted I in a single breath.

She had broken into a giggle by then, and obviously could not have followed the entire set of instructions thrown ruthlessly at her. She was perhaps a Punjabi, quite fair, high, glowing cheekbones, skin soft-as-a-baby made her look all the more cute. Amid chortles, she asked in a tone so innocent I was flabbergasted, "How far is your underpass?". I was quick to statistically respond with 3.4 km, and her pillion joined her in the chuckling, perhaps amused by me being such a nerd at numbers.

A sudden flash of realization dawned upon me as I saw the red light turn orange, that the poor girls were on a bike with a Delhi number plate (and hence perhaps new to Bangalore) and that I would pass through the exact route. Just in time before orange turned to green, I told her about the latter part of my revelation and advised her to follow me.

Scene 2: The ride.
Location: Jayamahal Road, Station Road, Queens Road.

I keep glancing on the rear view mirror as she follows me, and enjoy strolling in the third gear at 40 even though the road ahead is clear and inviting. She is quite animated, talking to her friend all the time, often gesturing with her left hand, the right on the throttle, seemingly quite oblivious with her being on the road. Thankfully the traffic was a bit peaceful today.

Scene 3: The parting.
Location: Indian Express Circle.

Seeing they were always on the extreme left, I halted a few hundred metres before the crossing, and she almost banged into my bike. The familiar string of giggles followed. I suggested them to keep on the rightmost lane and take the next right and their road would begin. She took off her helmet and thanked me profusely before parting. Boy, was she pretty! I was completely floored! As always, I was at a loss of words. And numbers. Am even now. Didn't even ask for her number, nor could I note down the registration number of her Kinetic Nova.

Scene 4: The aftertaste.
Location: Prestige Obelisk.

I sit down at my cubicle and ponder as I write this, working intermittently, over the possibility of Love-at-first-sight. And I realise that love is too complex a phenomenon to occur so shortly. There are a host of traits and attributes you'd generally like to have in your partner. Most people who fall in love do not do so blindly. Often it is a well-planned, well-thought series of actions. Ok, you don't have a checklist, but you do have an idea, and you fall in love with the person who falls in the set of ideas you have about them.

This is an endless topic and I can go on and on. But yes, I felt a bit different with this female I met today. I would definitely like to try things out with her. We might be able to, if Miss Giggles somehow chances upon this post, but that's a probability I am not really banking upon.

The Destiny of an Innocence

She is growing up. Looks quite old now. Totally human. Unlike six months ago when her movements were restricted to blinking and random, clumsy hand- and feet-throwing and crying. Now she can crawl, smile, giggle, play, throw tantrums, all of which make her so cute and lively and bouncy and innocent and loveable.

However, as I clicked a few photographs of her yesterday, copied them on to my computer, and revisited them (like the one here), I felt apprehended. For the first time has a child scared me with her photo, and such a pretty child at that. She looks very human now. Very soon, she would be able to understand language, speak, and then think and understand and feel. And then emotions would start cropping up. Doom! There you go!

She would have option to choose. She will start discriminating between people. She would begin loving, caring, and would demand more of the same from others. She would start 'wanting'. She would expect from people. She'd feel bad. She'd feel good. She'd start enoying material things. She would begin a lot of things we do, and...

I am not exaggerating at all when I say I felt a shudder down my spine when I saw her photographs. Why do we have to have feelings? Can this child not be spared from the evils of the world and her innocence be preserved in its original form?

Weekend Sunrise

No assignments to be submitted in the morning, no exams to be attempted, and no deadlines to be met. But it reminded me of the good old hostel days when we used to stay awake through the major part of the night idling away, watching a movie, or simply chatting, or playing NFS or even watch someone else play. I really enjoyed the night-out yesterday reading, writing, watching, playing, crunching numbers, and getting nostalgic doing the various other things I generally enjoy on my computer.

During my joie de vivre, little did I realize the most gratifying part lay at the end of the night. It was just before the break of dawn when I crept up to the terrace, afraid I might wake up Mom, in which case I’d have got chided for being up all night.


The morning tranquil was so soothing, so fresh, and so cool. There were a few stray birds chirping here and there. The entire east side of the sky was a hue of yellowish-orange, getting redder by the minute. And then there was this flock of birds frolicking in the far south, circling about in a huge wave. A couple of joggers caught my eye on the pavement beneath.

And then I saw it. The scarlet disc came out proudly out of the distant horizon, making the sky blush and turn into a crimson red.


I can’t remember when was the last time did I see the sun rise. Must have been ages. In fact I felt I had never felt the same ever before. It was such an exhilarating experience I could see my vision blurred of moistness. The expressions are inexplicable in words.


I never knew the sun rises so fast. One moment (06:22:03 AM) I saw a segment of it, and then suddenly (06:24:18 AM) it was the whole disc, and another moment (06:27:14 AM) it was bright enough to form a glare on my lens.


When I came down, Mom was already awake and was extremely surprised to see me coming from outside rather than from my room. Papa was up too, and I had another exalting experience: I prepared the morning tea for everyone, unlike another long time that my parents have been doing it for me everyday.

PS: The pictures above are actually thumbnails...you might want to click on them and enjoy the full-sized photographs.