The Yearend Post

Reflecting upon the last year, I find that it has been quite a tumultuous one. Things happened. Shit happened. Learnt a lot. Gained a lot. Lost a lot. Made new good friends. Broke up with a very good old friend too. Handled huge responsibilities. Failed at a few. Rose again. Fell again. But then that is life. That happens all the time, but we don't stop and think about them unless it is the turn of the year. We tend to account a lot of things for this largest unit of time. Things and shit keep happening throughout, we never list them otherwise. This fact irks me the same way it irks Dhirendra Kumar of valueresearchonline.com when everybody celebrates the Sensex passing the 13000 or the 16000 mark, or any other thousand. And that is why I was reluctant to write a year-end post.

Come year end and you have all sorts of lists being compiled up from all directions and on all media. As the clock ticks away to the last few moments of 2008, I am thinking about my lists. I had wanted to blog about my favourite movies, my top-ten songs, my most memorable moments, best blogposts I read, coolest photographs I clicked, my resolutions, things I want to improve next year, basically tens of top-ten lists of the departing year and lists of resolutions for the new year in gestation. But I was either short on time or deprived of genuine inclination. Or maybe I could not decide where to begin, what to pick first from amongst the plethora of ideas I had in mind.

Anyway, however hard I might try not to, I cannot stop myself from considering the new year as a fresh start in life. Have many things in mind, haven't listed them though. Listing them and not being able to fulfil them hurts. But sometime or the other, I need to list them down, else I'd forget them. And I'll have to fulfil what I list. Oops...I already listed down the first and the most important resolution. Before I end up listing a few more of my (dark) secrets, let me wish you all a Happy New Year and bid 2008 adieu!

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Cognitive Dissonance

To be or not to be, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
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The Shakespearean Prince Hamlet in his soliloquy above talks about his indecisiveness. There are conflicting views among the literary intelligentsia on which one is the to be option and which is the not to be. I feel facing the highs and lows of life seems the more difficult to be option, and the braver option of taking up arms and fighting against and dying is the not to be. Hamlet continues in his monologue and observes that death is not an absolute annihilation and end of problems, you might still dream and God knows what you'll dream about and what dilemmas you might face therein. So the decision-making might never end.

Thoughts flutter. They make you fall in situations you need to make a decision. You have both the choices equally viable, both of them seem right, you have a tough time deciding which way to choose. You have a fight within yourself. You try to logically eliminate one of the options available, but you always have the fear of thoughts quivering and you regretting on The Road Not Taken at a later point in life.

There is another kind of situation you tend to fall in, which is more difficult than to-be-or-not-to-be. That is one after you have made a decision. Thoughts still flutter. You've made a decision but are unable to stick to it. It is not necessarily between the good and the bad, the two options available may be equally right or equally wrong. Correctness is anyway a relative concept. You choose one from the two roads equally travelled, and since there is no one less traveled by, there is nothing that has made all the difference. But two things cannot be the same, and you end up struggling with yourself.

Or, you know you've made a wrong move, but you tend to find excuses to yourself trying to justify your decision. Thoughts flutter again and you have a battle within yourself. Usually it is a tussle between the heart and the head. Invariably the heart wins, and the head ends up helping the heart win by providing excuses to you. A case of induced compliance without sufficient justification. The cognizance of your acts being against your own (and that of others') wellbeing makes you fall to abysmal depths and think very low of you. The moment you try to get up and stand against, something comes up that forces you to give in yet again. The more you give in, the more troubled you feel, the deeper you fall, and more difficult it becomes to emerge from the recesses of depression and self-criticism, and the more prone you become to giving in. A vicious circle follows, the exit from which is visible to you but you are not strong enough to follow the path. All this could have been avoided had you nipped it in the bud. Had you not let the uncomfortable feeling of dissonance come in the first place.

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Another late-night post

Everything was so calm and tranquil. There was almost no wind; the sky was overcast but there was a certain coolness in the air, quite cooler than indoors. Things looked so different and beautiful in the night. After an average day at work and a not-so-good evening just before leaving, I had come home, had dinner, and after my parents had retired to sleep, had gone down to the park in the apartment. It was well past midnight, and the park was completely deserted, which is otherwise full of children playing around on seesaws and slides and monkeytraps, older children playing basketball and badminton, and people on their evening walks. After strolling along for some while in the park, I had sat down by the side of the swimming pool. I just hung out there, quietly, connecting...

The water and I.

A striking contrast at the moment, I still somehow liked it being there. Wanted to draw some inspiration. I don't know how long did I stay there--it was one of those times when I did not want to think anything but could not help thinking. One of those times when I was doing exactly what I was trying very hard not to. The evening's incidents revisited in my head. I was trying to analyse the (f)utility of everything...debating with myself, admonishing myself, getting angry at myself, and so on and so forth. I wished I could get drunk. And on my side lay the waterbody, so calm, still, serene, and unagitated, as if complementing me.

The tranquility and the turbulence.

The Urge

As I read one of my favourite blogs in bed this morning, I had this peculiar urge: to work for a company whose office is located in the other end of city. I generally like riding any distances preferred to being time-bound with an office cab/bus, but today I felt I'd really like it, when I could sit down with my laptop, or a book, and enjoy my time up and down. The probability of a book, however, is much lesser, although that is what I used to do when I was in Delhi and used to travel back to my hometown on weekends.

View from my balcony.

Later (when I was completely awake): I realize this is quite a mammoth task to accomplish. Can't do that in one year. Too many strings attached.

Sometimes

Sometimes you think you are smart. You have wrong notions about yourself, and there is no one to correct you. You live your entire life with those wrong notions and die with them.

Sometimes you think you are lonely. You know you are, and you desperately try to get rid of either the loneliness or at least the thought. You find someone and the loneliness evaporates. Or you find some engagement and the thought vanishes. But sooner or later, that someone goes away. Or they find some engagement. Or your engagement finishes off. You are back to being lonely again.

Sometimes you go to bed early. You generally do not. Often you don't even try. Keep up and waste time. You vow everyday you'll sleep before midnight or do something worthwhile, but you somehow never manage that.

Sometimes you try not to think. Generally you keep pondering and meditating and musing and reflecting and mulling over and ruminating and contemplating. Often you don't even try not to think. Your thoughts keep fluttering randomly. Keep disturbing you. You daydream or get depressed or plan or fret.

Sometimes you love someone. You know they do not, but you do. Unrequited is the word. But that knowledge doesn't stop you from loving them even if you know there is no future.

Sometimes someone does that to you. You reciprocate back. But you still do not hold your feelings back for the old one.

Sometimes you watch movies. You generally do not. But you always want to. And sometimes you find company. And you watch them. Then they go to sleep. You stay up. Chat with a close pal. Start thinking. And then you compose this "off the split-ends of your long hair" post.